The Secret Diary of Brain Little - aged 44 + 3/4's

Sunday 10th May 1998 (Majorca, Spain)   Sat on beach and fell asleep whilst wondering if my hair would go blond in the sunshine.  Went back to hotel to find I had an urgent phone call from my bank manager. Too late to return call now so read my Bumper Book of DIY Shelving before bed.  Monday 11th May 1998 (Majorca, Spain)   Phoned bank manager this morning. Apparently the final payment from Villa has come through but isn't as much as I thought. £27.90 won't go far. Rang Doug but he just laughed and said "Read the contract," before ringing off.  Rang a few friends and there is a job going at Walsall. Got there number and I have an interview tomorrow. Went to restaurant for lunch but when I tried to pay they took my Visa card off me and I had to use up all my spare cash.  Finished chapter three of Shelving book before bed.  Tuesday 12th May 1998 (back in UK)   Had to sneak out of hotel as I couldn't pay bill. Hitched lift to airport and eventually got back home about lunch time.  Got bike out of garage and set off for Walsall but got lost and ended up in a place called Stoke On Trent. They have a famous club called Vale or Port or something. It reminded me that there used to be another club around here based in a shed sort of thingy where I had a trial when I was about fourteen. Can't remember what they were called tho'.  Doesn't matter as I got a job anyway! I was lost so I stopped at an outlying branch of the Britannic Building Society for directions. I went into reception and a very nice but fat man called Jez recognised me and asked me for my autograph. I gave it to him and it now means I am a manager of Britannic Building Society! Just like that! It's a bit of a change from footie but life's full of surprises. I have to turn up tomorrow for a press conference.  Went home, cleaned motorbike read the May copy of Hair-To-Dye For.  Wednesday 13th May 1998   Went to Britannic to have press conference and got a bit of a shock when I was asked what it was like being Stoke City's 5th manager in a year! I had to think rather quickly but I remembered Stoke City were a lower league club so it's only like when I was managing Darlington. After that everything went all right. I was introduced to all the professional players in the afternoon and a man called Justin Whittle too.  I also met Jez again and a man named Keith. I asked if he was in charge but he said no, that'd be Peter and he only tends to meet people at night. When I asked why there was a bit of an embarrassed silence and they quickly introduced me to a man named Chic and another called Alan Turban, although he didn't look very Indian to me. Chic looked a bit wild of eye and kept muttering to himself and all Turban said was, "Your doooooooomed, d'ya hear me! Doooooomed!"  So a strange day in all and I had to have a strong drink to settle nerves when I got in. Ignored the Ribena and hit the Vimto straightaway. Wife called in to pick up some clean clothes and left before I could tell her the news. Watched my "Fifteen to One" highlights video and went to bed.  Thursday 14th May 1998   Got to work but felt dreadful. No sleep last night as I felt guilty about forgetting to clean the motorbike.  My friend Jez gave me a piece of paper but the ink had ran with the sweat from his palms so couldn't tell what it said.  Made my first signings today. As Stoke is a bigger club than Darlington I have not only bought blue, black and red biros but I've bought a green one too! See - I told you  Sunday 17th May 1998   Tried new hair-dye but it didn't work. Cleaned motorbike. Ironed the week's newspapers before putting them out for the rubbish. Rearranged tins in cupboard into alphabetical order. Cleaned motorbike. Went to bed.  Monday 18th May 1998   Went to work and found out I have sacked the man named Chic and also Turban. Asked Jez about this and he said he'd given me a memo on Thursday!  Had a meet the manager meeting with the fans which would have been quite tough if my friend Jez hadn't given me my answers in the afternoon.  Went home feeling quite pleased only to find wife had been home again and taken CD collection. Strangely she has left the best ones like the Des O' Connor and Tony Blackburn Triple CD. Will ask her what she wanted them for when I next see her.  Did the word-search in Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow magazine. The subscription is up next issue which reminds me on about asking that nice man Jez about a salary.  Wednesday 20th May 1998   I was asked by Jez what I thought of Neville Southall's comments about some of the players. I decided to be very forthright and said that I didn't care one bit for the opinions of an error prone over-bloated has-been. He must have misunderstood me because he told me "I'd do what I was bloody well told." He even went redder than normal. When he'd calmed down I asked about my salary and he said that we'd have to meet Peter to talk about that and I am to meet him on Friday night.  Got home to find that the Complete Cardigan Compendium book had arrived!  Thursday 21st May 1998   In the morning Jez asked me today what I was going to do about pre-season training and friendlies. I had a bit of a think and said I thought a three or four game tour down on the South coast might be nice. Get to know the players and all that. I must confess an ulterior motive as I have free ticket to visit the Torquay Viola Museum!  Cleaned out the manager's desk. Wonder if I should send Chris Kamara's photo of Hitler on to him? If I do that should I also send Mr Turban his Circus Tricks for Footballers book? Right at the bottom of the desk buried in the last drawer was a piece of paper with a hand-written note saying, "I'll be back" and signed by somebody called Lou. Very strange.  In the afternoon, just as Jez came in, I found an old newspaper cutting about somebody called Stan Clarke. I asked Jez who he was but he just said "Who?" He then told me that we couldn't do the tour down South as none of the caravan parks will  give a sufficient discount.  He also said the fans would have "enough long and pointless away journeys to look forward too" which I didn't understand.  Really looking forward to meeting Peter tomorrow night. Spent most of this evening choosing which grey tie I would wear.

 
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